Remembering Our Loved Ones

I was privileged a couple of years ago to speak at a remembrance service for those who had lost a loved one. The following is the text of the words I presented at the service. T

The final prose is attributed to the chaplain and pastoral care team of Wesley Private Hospital, Brisbane, Queensland. I post these thoughts on my blog with the hope that someone who has lost a loved one will read it, and gain some good thoughts from it.

I must confess that when I was asked to say a few words here today, I wondered what I could really say to you. What feelings can I express to you that you have not already experienced. And then I must also state that I feel very humbled to be in your presence today, because you have experienced a sad loss, and many of you are well on your way to healing. I have also learned a lot from the funerals I have been the celebrant and I am grateful for the association I have been privileged to have with the family and loved ones of those who have passed away.

Losing someone or something you love is very painful. After a significant loss, you may experience all kinds of difficult and surprising emotions, such as shock, anger, and guilt. Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never let up. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing.

When we think of our loved ones who are gone from us, we mourn, but we also give thanks for these lives that touched our own in such significant ways…husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, family, friends… We are better people for having lived and loved with them. Lives end…but faith teaches us that love doesn’t. Love is eternal and the bonds of love are not broken by death.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve – but there are healthy ways to cope with pain. You can get through it! Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.

I would say again: Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Some people say “time heals all wounds”. But it is not the passage of time itself that brings resolution, but the way we work through the stages of grief.

Grief is love, and it is because we feel such pain – because the inner ache is so great – that we know the depth of our love. Grief simply cannot and does not exist except where there has been love.

Grief is not a mountain to be climbed, with the strong reaching the summit long before the weak. Grief is not an athletic event with stopwatches timing our progress. Grief is a walk through loss and pain. There is no competition and no time trials.

I suggest to you today that we accept the fact that our loved ones have left us. But we need to give them a continuing stake in how we live. In this way, they are not just part of the past in our memories or of the present, but will continue to live and to achieve through whatever we have taken from their lives and added to our own for the benefit of others. And by doing this, we can feel a wonderful closeness to them.

This may be the first Christmas that you are without your loved one. Don’t be afraid to grieve, for grief is an expression of your love. Get support from family and friends. Surround yourself with positive people. Think about, talk about and treasure the memories of your loved one. Heal in your own way and in your own time.

 The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself to heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life.

“Love Remains”

When you lose someone you love,

It’s hard to make sense of anything.

How do you keep on going?

What’s the point of it all.

 You long for sleep with the hope

That when you wake it will all have been

Just a terrible nightmare.

But sleep becomes the enemy! The respite it offers, a lie.

Each time you wake the pain seems to have increased.

How do you recover from this?

Somewhere, in this pain and anguish.

Memories begin to filter through.

As the days and weeks go by they become a bitter sweet gift,

That over time, brings comfort and healing.

Cherish your memories.

They are built on the love you shared

And that love remains forever in your heart.

It’s the one thing that can never be taken from you,

And ultimately, it’s the one thing

That will give you the strength to go on.

In the days to come may your memories bring tears,

Peace, healing and joy as they help to ease your pain.

From the Wesley Chaplains and the Pastoral Care team